After being in both ministry for over a decade and a trial lawyer for nearly that long, I’ve learned that conflict is as much a part of life as breathing.  We ALL face conflict . . in our marriage (“what are we going to spend the tax refund on”), on our jobs(“that’s MY parking space”), at the gym (“dude, you did too foul me”), and most assuredly at our churches (“can you believe the nerve of the preacher this morning”).  What I have found is that the really successful people in life can navigate conflict waters like champs.

Because I’ve seen it, lived it, and quite honestly, not dealt well with it over the years, here are five of the big mistakes people make when conflict arises.  These are five ways NOTto resolve a conflict.

1.  Only be satisfed when the other side completely agrees with you.  The truth is that you are asking the impossible.  Any time two people are involved in any aspect of life, there will be some level of di-vision (two visions).  Never fall for the lie that people are 100 percent in agreement with you.  The truth is that your insistence on being the one who is “right” is your pride.  An equally important truth is that you are never always 100 percent right.

2.  Call them out in front of other people.  This includes a generic Facebook post about them.  They see it.  They know you’re talking about them.   Who are you fooling? This includes you discussing the issue in front of other people.  The truth is that when you air an issue in public (yes, even a third person counts as “public”), the other side will always, always, always be defensive and, instead of listening to you, will be in the mode of pouncing on you.  We like to save face in front of other people.

3.  Text them, email them, instant message them, and/or “any other mode of communication that involves a keyboard”-them.  Words do not convey tone.  They do not convey sincerity.  In my experience, your words not only can be used against you, they WILL be used against  you.  If there is any way for your words to be deemed offensive, guess what, they will be.  Call them.  Better yet, be a man, be a woman about the thing and go to visit them. 

4.  Ignore the issue.  Don’t you think that just because nobody’s talking about it, it’s going to blow over.  We are creatures of closure.  We like it when a thing ends, and when we don’t get our closure, our minds take the thing to lower and lower places.  “I can’t believe she did that to me,” becomes “I can’t believe that she’s such a bad person.  She’s a liar.”  When we ignore the issue, what was a dispute over events becomes a dispute over character.  Guess which is more easily overcome.

5.  Talk about it immediately.  Big mistake.  Big, big, BIG mistake.  We are emotional creatures, too.  At the height of our emotional outbursts (i.e. when you’re really pissed off at somebody), you are not in a place to think logically about what has just happened.  Your emotion will spill over.  The best conflict resolution happens when both sides have had a chance to cool down and process what has just happened.  And usually after thinking about it, their logic minimizes the thing that emotion blew out of proportion.